Having been brought up in a Christian home, with both
parents actively believing in God and attending church regularly,I
considered how best to write my story. Then I realised that my story is
about God’s faithfulness, how He is interested in us as individuals
and every aspect of our lives.
I became a Christian in 1964, at the age of 5. Whilst
attending a Christian conference I heard a guy talking about death and
that if we did not believe that Jesus Christ, God’s son, died for us
on the cross so that we could be forgiven of all our wrong doing, then
we would be going to an everlasting hell. It was so vivid to me just as
though I was the only one in the room that I had to make a decision to
accept Jesus as my Saviour. You may think it was scare tactics that
brought me to Jesus. I don’t think it was so much what he said but my
personal conviction and need for relationship with God. I survived the
various accidents, illnesses and hospitalisations of childhood, where
parents were excluded from their children. Long periods off school and
being isolated made me feel different to other children especially as I
was a Christian. School brought bullying of varying degrees –
sometimes my hands would be torn and bleeding, clothing would disappear
and isolation from friends followed. I would run home for fear of being
beaten up. I became lonely and gradually low self-esteem followed
fuelled by the fact that various members of my family forever compared
me to my older brother and how I would not compare with him
academically. I proved them wrong but became a driven person, always
striving to do better and please my family and people in authority. I
was not happy with myself in general. Insecurity and low self-esteem was
to follow me into my late 30’s where God showed me my total security
was in Him and Him only. Man’s opinion of us differs and is as
unstable as the wind. But God’s unconditional love and regard for us
never changes. As I look across my life I can see that God was in every
situation of my life when I needed Him most. As I began to develop a
deeper relationship with Him, over the course of my life, I realised God
loves me as I am. As I opened myself up to Him He began to heal my
hurts, taught me to love myself and be at peace.
Throughout my childhood I felt that God had had a
hand on my life. I enjoyed church and the youth group and was actively
involved with bible correspondence courses and prayer. I loved God
desperately but I was not at peace with myself.
I had just started nursing when my uncle tragically
died at a young age of a heart attack on Christmas day. The whole family
was grief stricken. I was just coming to terms with the concept of death
as a nurse – I couldn’t cope. I left home to live in the nurses’
home. I went out with a medical student. I guess I wanted comfort; he
wanted something else. I was very naïve. One Sunday, after the morning
service, a church member approached me. He was very concerned for me as
God had spoken to him to warn me of events that were to follow that
week. Mid week, as I was alone in my room, a violent thumping on my door
brought back the words that had been spoken to me on the previous
Sunday. I became fearful and as silence returned, I ran to the phone,
sobbing, to thank him for his obedience to God. God had protected my
honour and integrity. I moved back home.
At twenty-two, I cried out to God for the right man
in my life. I wanted to serve God and not mess up. God had placed a call
on my life for missions and I needed a co-worker. God brought a special
man into my life and at twenty-three, we got married. God has used him
to enable me to become the person I am today and for that I will always
remain indebted to him. Both of us became actively involved in the
church. At twenty-nine we still did not have a family and desperately
wanted children. It was through a chain of events, that we ended up in a
meeting at Newark where Terry Law was preaching. During a time of
prayer, my own pastor, bless him, prayed for my husband and myself that
our problem of infertility might be answered. (At this time I didn’t
know that we had a problem.) God spoke to him and he felt sure that
pregnancy was imminent. Being a midwife, I knew better and said this
could not be… A week later I went to see my pastor with a very
grateful heart for his obedience. I WAS PREGNANT!
I was going to call my daughter Sarah Elizabeth but
God impressed on me her name was to be Esther Rebecca, emphasizing that
she was here for ‘such a time as this’. Taken from the bible book of
Esther. As I see her growing and the difficulties she has had to
encounter, I wonder what God has in store for her. After Esther was
born, we went to the hospital for investigations and found out that we
could not have children. Esther I believe was our ‘gift from God’.
However, it did not make me immune from developing severe postnatal
depression for ten months after she was born. I felt on the edge and
that I couldn’t carry on any longer. It was during an evening service
that I cried out to God and said I couldn’t carry on. I felt guilty
about that. A beautiful baby, wonderful husband, but I was absolutely
desolate. We sang a song…’you’ve broken chains that bound me, you’ve
set this captive free…’ and I just wept and wept because I was
totally bound up with depression. I ran out for prayer and God promised
me that if I trusted Him, He would help me to walk out of the pit of
depression. It was an ongoing journey but God was true to His word and
not only was I free from depression, He gave me the ability to overcome
and avoid depression.
Esther was two years old and Mel my husband became
very ill with a virus. His temperatures would soar uncontrollably and
one morning at 6.00am he had a respiratory arrest. With a two year old
at my side I resuscitated my own husband. He refused hospital admission
so with the GP’s support I nursed him at home. It was a long hard
desperate week and as his health started to decline again I cried out to
God and He gave me a promise from the bible…
"Because he loves me says the Lord, I will
rescue him, I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will
call on me and I will answer him, I will be with him in trouble, I will
deliver him and honour him, with long life will I satisfy him and show
him my salvation. You will not fear the terror of the night and no
disaster will come near your tent. For he who dwells in the shelter of
the most high will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the
Lord ‘He is my refuge and my fortress, my God in whom I trust’.
Psalm 91.
Mel started to recover and gained back full health
and strength… Praise God! God is there at the cross roads of our
lives.
A few years later on the way to Grapevine, a
Christian celebration, our family was involved in a potentially fatal
accident as a tyre blew on the caravan we were towing and we were thrown
into a six foot ditch at the side of the road, at 50 miles an hour. We
narrowly missed an articulated lorry and a lamppost. People who came to
our assistance included an off duty fireman, paramedic and a family
going to Grapevine who immediately prayed. Our rescuers thought we were
dead or at least severely injured but we all walked away unscathed, even
our pet hamster. We really felt God’s protection. When we arrived at
Grapevine the speakers message was…"All that can be shaken will
be shaken, so that which cannot be shaken will remain". How
appropriate! God affirmed to me that He still had a great plan and
purpose for my life and my time had not come for death.
My mother dying of cancer hit me hard. That is almost
five years ago now. Life as I had known it changed dramatically and so
had I. I felt I had no one else to turn to so I threw myself on God. I
told Him everything. I believed Him, trusted Him, and depended on Him. I
asked Him to breathe life back into me again so that I could find the
fun in life and enable me to be a good mum and a good wife. I knew I
needed His help to survive this period of time. This has taken me on an
incredible spiritual journey but I remained a driven person. I still
felt my best was not good enough.
Three years ago I became ill with a viral infection.
I lost four and a half stone in a few months. I couldn’t dress myself
at times I was unable to walk it was even an effort to drink. God spoke
into my life as I read the book of Job in the bible. I felt stripped of
everything, my job, ministry, the ability to be a good wife and mother,
and as I read Job I realised I came into this world with nothing but God
gives and God takes away. I was determined to praise him and thank him
for my life and all that he meant to me whatever the outcome I affirmed
with the apostle Paul, ‘For me to live is Christ and to die is gain’.
To love God was enough and that had nothing to do with what I did but He
loved me for who I was. I was created in His image and am unique… and
that is enough. God started to restore my life and the bond between us
has grown dramatically. I couldn’t envisage a life without God in it.
He has been my help and guide throughout my entire life.
This year during a season of sickness God has given
me a vision and a dream and a future plan for my life. I would rather
obey God than miss out on the life God has for me. I know who holds my
future and I know it is safe in God’s hands. Nothing can separate me
from God’s love. There is no more insecurity or low self-esteem
because God has shown me who I am through Christ Jesus His son who died
for me. This story of my life is just the tip of the iceberg of knowing
God’s grace, love, mercy and protection in my life and that of my
family. If you don’t know God, you’re missing out. I urge you to get
to know Him.
Love, Pauline
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Pauline
Dye